Most of my time goes by with just thinking. Leading an isolated life is the main cause of this. Please don’t see this as a sad text cause it’s not. At least it’s not how I see or intend to make it sound like. I’m very content with my life. But when you don’t have friends nearby, family, pets and that annoying joint smoking neighbour around it gets hard to be in the now and your mind likes to work as a time machine that either goes to the future or the past rather than staying still in the now.
Like anyone in their early twenties I’ve been hit by the cold and merciless waves of life realization which disables the time machine in my head to ponder about the future and cast imaginary plots. It’s a pointless act. So I just wander in the past. Fueled by songs and smell. I dig up my fondest memories and relive them so many times till I’m not even sure if I’ve really lived them for they seem to be too sweet and I am too bitter a person nowadays.
What’s actually sad is that I get sucked back into now by the buzz of a phone. Not just mine but anyones. It’s that desperate hunger for contact I find sad and I can’t see the point of a life like this. A life where my moments go by through ticking them on a screen.
I don’t need this in-between life. I don’t want it. For once I would like to pick up my phone and straightaway get an easy yes for the question “hey, can I come over?”
In other words, i was a much more stable and stronger person when I was down with the terms that I am completely alone and i have only my own four paws to fall on. Not wondering all the time, not worrying about misinterpretations. I want to be left alone to get lost in my thoughts and when I get disturbed back into the now it would be an actual human voice or touch rather than a buzzing phone.